If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
When you’re throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up
|Never walk when you can ride, and never stand when you can sit.|
|A man is not born a cowboy – he becomes one.|
|Behind every successful rancher is a wife who works in town.|
|Never squat with your spurs on.|
|Its a mistake to drive black cattle in the dark.|
|Most men are like a barbed wire fence, they all have their good points.|
|Only a fool argues with skunks, mules or cooks.|
|Tossing the rope before building a loop will not catch a calf.|
|Nobody but cattle know why they stampede and they ain’t talking.|
|If the rodeo doesn’t kill you, the commute probably will.|
“Every American male has a cowboy problem–the only difference between any two males is in the details of how they work it out.”–Dave Rindos
“Every cowboy thinks he knows more than every other cowboy. But the only thing they all know for sure is when’s payday and where’s grub.”–LLRoyster
“If you can’t squat with your spurs on, you ain’t a real cowboy.”
Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now if nobody is around we use our fingers.”–Will Rogers
“I never thought I’d marry anybody but a cowboy. Maybe that’s why I’m not married.”– Rosie
“Every now and then a loaded pistol does wonders to restore a man’s memory of good manners toward women.”–Louise Ballcott
“I am not a gambler, but most real cowmen or punchers I knew could play good enough to lose.”–Oscar Rush
“They’ll have to shoot me first to take my gun.”–Roy Rogers
“A pair of six-shooters beats a pair of aces.”–Belle Starr
“Here’s all you need to know about cows: They’re not smart, they’re bigger than you are, and some of them have absolutely no respect for human beings.”–Terry Hall
Four rules of Western living:
- Always tell the truth
- Sing with passion
- Work with laughter
- Love with your heart
“Talk low, talk slow, and don’t say too much.”–John Wayne
“One thing I’ll say fer the West is that in this country there is more cows and less butter, more rivers and less water, and you can look farther and see less than in any other place in the world.”–Anonymous rancher
“Always wear button fly jeans. Sheep can hear zippers a mile off.”
“Cowboy butts drive me nuts.”
“If you rope me you can ride me.”
“The biggest cause of divorce in the world is marriage.”–Travis Tritt
“I don’t want to have to make my living where the opening act is a gun fight.”–Travis Tritt
“Basically, all I was doing was throwing something out there to see if the folks in Nashville had a sense of humor. I found out a long time ago that most of them don’t. But I do.”–Waylon Jennings
“There’s music everywhere, just waiting for us to write it down.”–Willie Nelson
“First Rule of Holes: When you are in one, stop digging.”
“I had a soul once, but I lost it in a card game.”
“Cheat that sucker!”
“Musicians are one step closer to God than the rest of us.”–Cap Iverson
“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except for Congress.”–Mark Twain
“The people who don’t believe in the beauty of life are the defeated ones.”–Max Brand
“God created men but Colt made them equal.”
“Every rule is written in blood in some fashion.”–Robert Johnson
“Proper technique helps protect you against sharp weapons and dull judges.”– F. Collins
“Joe, never feel guilty about having warm human feelings toward anyone.”–Ben Cartright, Bonanza
“When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.”- -Mae West
“Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.”–J J Furnas
“A private railroad car is not an acquired taste. One takes to it immediately.”–Eleanor R Belmont
“I don’t have a warm personal enemy left. They’ve all died off. I miss them terribly because they helped define me.”–Claire Booth Luce
“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”–Mark Twain
“Far better it is to dare mighty things… than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows not victory or defeat.”–Thedore Roosevelt
“A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom that he can no longer be lead by the nose.”–Mark Twain
“One and one is two, and two and two is four, and five’ll get you ten if you know how to work it.”–Mae West
“It has been my experience that people who have no vices have very few virtues.”– Abraham Lincoln
“Now and then an innocent man gets sent to the legislature.”–Kin Hubbard
“Gun Control: Ability to hit your target.”
“Redneck marriage proposal: YER WHUT!!??????”
“Sure you can trust the government. Ask any Indian.”
“Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one, and they’re usually full of shit.”
“Gee, you’re nice to wake up to. I usually wake up with people throwing boots in my face.”–Cousin Murph
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first says, “I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.”
The second can’t stand to be bested. “Why that’s nothing I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And I’m still here today.”
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
“Why does life have to be so damn educational?”
“It’s a strange prison we’ve built for them. They can escape it if they renounce everything they are.”–Kristine Kathryn Rusch, on Native Americans
“It ain’t so much a matter of not knowing, as it is a matter of knowing so much that ain’t so.”–Ozark proverb
“Every little thing is sent for something, and in that thing there should be happiness and the power to make happy.”–Plains Indian proverb
“The real world is behind this one, and everything we see here is something like a shadow from that world.”–Black Elk
“The dog is the protector and friend of every person in the earth.”–Crow Proverb
“We have advised you and placed every man, woman and child of the Cheyenne tribe in your care. When it is necessary you will help not only your own tribe, but all other Indians. You have been appointed on account of your bravery, character and courage. In the future you will cause no disturbance or help to cause a disturbance among your own people.”–Cheyenne advice to new chief
“Dreams are wiser than waking.”–Blackfoot proverb
“It is better to have less thunder in the mouth and more lightning in the hand.”–Apache proverb
“You and I are both going home today–by a trail that is strange to us.”–Scout Half Yellow Face, to Custer before the Battle of the Little Bighorn
“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as much as you please.”–Mark Twain
“You raise kids, dogs, and horses all the same.”–Ray Farmer
“I’ve often said there’s nothing better for the inside of a man than the outside of a horse.”–Ronald Reagan
“The bigger the mouth, the better it looks when shut.”
“This is one woman who’s heard that Texans wear those boots because Texas is calf- deep in BS.”–Jordylynne
“I don’t care if a man is black or white as long as he carried the potatoes.”–Doc Bowen
“Don’t wear woolly chaps in sheep country during the breeding season.”
Lookin’ good on a pitchin’ horse is for the rodeo.”
“The only thing inhumane about a flank strap is you have to kill the sheep to line the strap.”–Casey Tibbs
“I entered broncs and bulls only on Sunday because I figured, If I get killed, I want to get killed late in the rodeo so that I donÕt miss much.”–Robin Hayes
“Ninety percent of them was infidels. The life they led had a lot to do with that. After you come into contact with nature, you get all that stuff knocked out of you–praying to God for aid, divine Providence, and so on–because it doesn’t work. You could pray all you damned pleased, but it wouldnÕt get you water where there wasn’t water. Talk about trusting in Providence, hell, if I’d trusted in Providence I’d have starved to death.”–Teddy Blue Abbott
“Dodge is a rough frontier town, populated largely by rough people, but they are not at all vicious.”–The Kansas Cowboy
“Cowboys should show no interest in the women of the household, or even appreciation of their hospitality except by eating hearily at the table.”
“My lover is a cowboy, He’s kind, he’s brave, he’s true; He rides a Spanish pony and throws the lasso too; Amd when he comes to see me And our vows we have redeemed, He puts his arms around me and then begins to sing: Oh, I am a jolly cowboy, From Texas I now hail, Give my my saddle and my pony and I’m ready for the trail. I love the rolling prairie Where we are free from care and strife, And behind a herd of long-horns, I will journey all my life.” –L S Kid
“You appreciate these things more, and no man can tell you and make you believe some things. Some things simply have to be learned firsthand to understand.”– unknown Native American
- Cowboys dance every dance as long as their bladders and feet hold out.
- A smile from a good woman is worth more’n a dozen handed out by a bartender.
- Real cowboys don’t line dance.
- Ridin a bronc is like dancin with a girl. The trick is matchin yer partner’s rhythm.
- Cowboy dress is determined by three factors: weather,work, and vanity.
- Reciting poetry is like a haircut. If it’s good, ya feel like a million bucks. If it’s bad, ya hide yer head under a hat.
- Don’t interfere with something that ain’t botherin’ ya none.
- Some men talk ’cause they got somethin’ to say. Others talk ’cause they got to say somethin
- Never wrestle with a pig, You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.
- Careful is a naked man climbin’ a bobwire fence.
- If you can’t sing — dance.
- Broke is what happens when a cowboy lets his yearnin’s get ahead of his earnin’s
- Bein’ too positive in your opinions kin get you invited to a dance — in the street, to the music of shots, nicely aimed.
- Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
- Never trust a man who agrees with you. He’s probably wrong.
- The easiest way to eat crow is while it’s still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.
- Ride the horse in the direction it’s goin.
- If it don’t seem like it’s worth the effort, then it probably ain’t.
- An old timer’s a man who’s had a lot of interesting experiences — some of ’em true.
- The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
- Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
- If ya git ta thinkin’ yer a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
- Tellin’ a man to git lost and makin’ him do it are two entirely different propositions.
- Don’t worry about bitin’ off more’n you kin chew; your mouth is probably bigger’n you think.
- If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there with ya.
- If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
- Good judgement comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgement.
- When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- Generally, you ain’t learnin’ nothing when your mouth’s a-jawin’.
- When yer throwin’ your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
- Always take a good look at what yer about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s sure crucial to know what it was.
- After eatin an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him………..The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep yer mouth shut.
- There are three kinds of men, The one that learns by reading, The few who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
- A good horse never comes in a bad color.